no offense meant

no offense meant

First of, i don’t find the holocaust funny. I just couldn’t find a picture that was humorous enough to brighten up this rather dreary post. So if you find offense in the picture, i apologize, deeply.

So, i’ve had a crush on this girl for a very long time. She was actually the one who brought me to WordPress. Why, then am i writing this? Well, it’s because it’s a story i’d like to share.

If you’re not really in to blogs about other people’s feelings, feel free to move along.

It all started about 5 or 6 years ago, during my sophomore days in High School. My high school was a private exclusive school for boys. So to see girls, we have to visit other schools (there is another exclusive school for boys nearby, and two other exclusive schools for girls). Then during the middle of the academic year, our school had decided to host a boy-girl-interaction, hosted by another exclusive school, but for girls (not one of the schools in the area). I remember the bus ride on the way there, my best friend and i weren’t really thinking about the interaction. We were busy listening to “Down From The Sky” by Trivium. I’m sure you’ve all heard about guys maturing (psychologically) waaay slower than women, so our interest weren’t in girls yet that time. Anyway, when we got there, i was paired with someone. She was pretty, yes. But this one’s not about her. She had  a classmate, partnered with one of my douchebag classmates. She was divine.

She had eyes that were big and round for an asian, but still kept that beautiful shape. That time, she had short hair, barely reaching the base of her neck. And her smile. I’ll tell you one thing, if i had one affinity besides eyes, it would be the smile. It took less than a second for her to debilitate my soul with her beauty, her serene gaze, and smile that was restricted by those adorable lines where the edge of her mouth and her cheeks meet. She was short, but was a big character. She was quite shy and reserved, which made it hard for me to get to know her. Her interests that didn’t match mine, i soon learned to like as well. She had that big of an impact on me.

So what happened? Well, during speed dating, she went to the restroom…right as the rotation had destined for us to meet… which was tragic. I was going to talk to her, but i didn’t want to be rude to my partner. I did meet her, though. She didn’t talk to a lot of guys, and as it turns out; i, the only person she didn’t meet that time, am now the only person who she’s in contact with right now. I love the privilege, if only it meant she liked me back. I did let her know about how i felt, but it was too late. She belonged to someone else. I am not sure now, but i think they’re still together. I’ve never asked for God for anything, because i feel He does not owe me any favors. It’s either that, or i’m too proud to ask for anything (i am the kind of person that would rather starve than ask someone else for help). However, i am asking Him for a chance with her. Just one chance that if i blew, i won’t ask for a second. But if God does give me that chance, it will mean she’ll have to lose the person she’s currently tied to. I don’t want her hurt, ever. I am so confused, i don’t know what i should do. I love her so, and she knows it. But we can’t be together. I am happy for her, that is true. I am glad she’s found someone who can make her smile everyday, who could wipe away all her tears. I just wish it could have been me. Even after three relationships, i knew i couldn’t be more, or even as happy as i know i would be if it were her who stood in my current girlfriend (those times)’s shoes. For no girl i’ve ever met before, and anyone i’ve met since had made me feel more insignificant, more of a tiny speck of sand in the beach and at the same time, made me feel strong, and made me realize what it meant to truly be happy. And i feel bad that i could not return the love the others had given me. I know that the failure is in me, that i had failed to act earlier. I know that i’ve hurt a lot of people, three good souls, in pursuit of someone who’s already tied to someone else. Unknowingly, she parted the clouds of my gloomy life, so the sunlight could reach every dark memory, or every dusky tomb. Something that the latter three have tried, if i let it.

Welcome to my dream.

It now seems real.

You’re what it needed

To make it ideal

So glad you got here

And I hope you can stay

But welcome to my dream,

Anyway.

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